​Date: March 26, 2002, 7:10:26 AM EST


Subject: uncensored.
naked.  raw and exposed….   i’m sorry to be me.  i am ashamed and 

embarrassed and yet I am strangely in control…


and such are my insecurities– for whatever it is worth, and that may 

be quite a bit, this was the original message I wrote you–  but I 

sent it to myself and sent you an abbreviated version.
i think the uncensored version was better.  i try to be articulate.  

i try to intersting.  i try to be normal.  
i need someone to hear what I’m not saying– sometimes– I don’t like 

talking in riddles all the time.  I don’t like onsessions and 

ruminations.  i don’t like explaining the obvious– I don’t 

understand why it must be so complicated.  i have one task.  I have 

no idea how to complete my task so I must keep searching.  
I developed new skills last night– my car is still having problems 

and then my phone locked up.   i was completely lost on Sunrise 

Highway and could not find my way home (though I wasn’t quite sure 

where my final destination would.  I finally realized that I needed 

to pull over every 20 minutes to plan a short term traffic route.  
Forcing myself to stop for about 40 minutes each time I got lost 

allowed me to get through the emotions of the whole thing.  You see I 

pulled over at a diner in Longbeach and they were able to reconnect 

my phone so I could call someone for directions or support or 

whatever!  As I sat on the phone with tech support for over an hour,I 

started noticing that there were people sleeping in parked cars in 

the same lot.  I couldn’t tell if the couple that just emerged from 

the car 2 spots to the left were conducting an underage indiscretion 

or committing a felony in the back seat…  as I noticed others 

around me, I settled in to my home for the night.  I did not feel so 

paranoid anyomre about shuffling about in my saomewhat respectable 

Honda Civic.  I almost forgot for a while that I was lost.  So I took 

a baby step to the next place– and what an experience.  I was still 

lost but closer to my destination– and again, settled into another 

brightly lit parking lot by a “execu-stay” type of hotel/motel.  This 

was working, so why rush.  Why so frantic.  Even with the phone, the 

car situation did not improve because I simply had no one to casll.  

Even if someone had come to get me– where would I go?  Where would I 

put my things?  
So I finally made it over to the closed Starbucks on the perimeters 

of the Hofstra campus.  I was the only car in the lot– and I boldly 

parked facing forward and watched the police race by me wihtout 

notice.  I became very sad for this world just around then.  They 

were racing around and it tooks about 30-35 minutes before a cop car 

drove up to me in the parking lot.  
Saddned by the reality that my suspicious activity was did not invite 

further inquiry, I had already decided to tell them the truth even 

before the car pulled up next to me in the lot.  I did not even 

bother to park in a space– I boldly parked horizontally taking up 

two or three spaces up front placing myself in an obvious and 

precarious situation.  Do you think they knew it wasn’t the first 

time?  Do you think they saw through my decidedly in-your-face stance 

and tactics and saw this as a thinly disguised effort to feign 

temporary homelessness.  Or would they be back tomorrow night?  

To be continued.

this is me.  uncensored.  please don’t be scared.  if you don’t want 

to read anymore– I won’t send anymore.
I’m tired.  Time to go to sleep.  But I have no Pepe.  I have no 


i want to be normal.  i want to be normal.  i wish I understood the 

conventional traditions the family unit.  i am strangely unfamiliar 

to any culture.  I want to be part of your world.  Would they know I 

am an imposter.  This just got painful.  I’m out–

—– Forwarded message from Elyssa Durant <> —–

Date: Sun, 24 Mar 2002 02:12:16 -0500 (EST)

From: Elyssa Durant <>

Reply-To: Elyssa Durant <>

Subject: testing 1, 2, 3

What else did you think I might be doing on a Saturday night?
A welcome evening at home with Tori, Alanis, and the information

I had a computer virus (I think I mentioned it) “Nimda” and it

completely erased all of my “registry data” and I have to start from

scratch– I should only be so lucky to lose all of my memory

especially that “RAM.”
I’m kind of scared to send you an e-mail– free-range ranting and

writing helps me to color outside the lines a bit– I get lost “in

the moment” and some people think it brings out the worst (but some

times the best, too)
This is the dreaded editing that occurs when I lose myself somewhere

between brilliance and madness.
MAll of my journal entries for the past 2 years will be wiped clean

from my computer– my mother has expressed her satisfaction with the

situation–  as if getting rid of the journals could ever set me



Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.
Those who say it can not be done should not interrupt the person

doing it ~~  Chinese Proverb

—– End forwarded message —–