On Christmas and Suicide: I am NOT okay

My ex committed suicide a few days ago.

I am not okay

He was in tremendous pain and I am very sad but he touched so many lives including mine.

Have been reading all the news stories and all the letters from people who only knew him through his writing.

Very sad because he had family who loved him and he must have been in unspeakable pain to leave them behind.

When [omitted] was suicidal a few months ago, I stayed up with her for several days until she felt better.

I know she was very grateful but I would be lying if I said I am not deeply hurt that only few people checked in with me to checked in with me to offer condolences and support.

I know Grandma and others don’t understand why I have written about my decent into madness after I lost my home, my car, my job and didn’t have phone to even call family or friends.

Perhaps that was for the best because it is easier to think the silence is because you don’t have a phone than to face the reality that you have nobody to call.

Thank you for reaching out to me and acknowledging the loneliness I was feeling until Grandma called on Sunday and told me if was okay to break down and fall cry.

I felt 110%, better after I spoke to her but I wish I had a safe place to write without fear of being judged or criticized for my honesty.

I wish I had a more appropriate outlet for my pain since I don’t want to burden others with my drama.

But these are my truths.

[ break ]

I don’t know how to give me the support I need during the holidays or howly days so I don’t ruin their joy and happiness.


On Dec 25, 2013, at 14:22, “Mel – AT&T” wrote:

Dear Elyssa,

I am sorry to hear the tragic news of your friend. He must have been in much pain, hopefully he will find some peace now. With heartfelt sympathy, Auntie & Mike

From: Elyssa D. Durant
Sent: Tuesday, December 24, 2013 5:00 PM

A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

The best thing I can do to honor Ned’s memory is WRITE LOUDER!!


Begin forwarded message:

From: ELyssaD™
Date: December 24, 2013, 7:00:09 AM EST

Subject: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?
You shared to yourself:

Doing research for Independent study. Received app for Scholarship from Autism Society due 1/15.

Semester access starts today 12/24. I think the best way I can honor Ned’s memory is to “get over it” and do what I do best.

Ask the right questions and connect the dots. I was right when I theorized that media causes brain damage but you all laughed at me. Recent studied have shown that repeated exposure to coverage of Boston bombing are worse than the actual victims.

Israeli studies show that images trigger acute stress response in soldiers. Shalev & Orr.

I wanted to study how media influences policy. They said no such field.

My topic was approved by the department of social policy and evaluation.

Thought you may find this interesting.

Theory: Environmental factors and Aspergers.

Me thinks I’m on to something I may not have Aspergers but I sure as shit have the symptoms that get worse when I think about the last four years. Contacted my old therapist who now runs program for Autism in NYC.

I am not okay.

I never will be, but maybe I can get closer to fine if I didn’t feel so damn useless and dependent. Something has got to give.

I can’t live another 40 years lying in bed counting the hours until I can go back to sleep.

A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

Elyssa D. Durant. Ed.M.
Research & Policy Analyst

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