White Noise: Finding My Voice in the Silent Hours
by Elyssa Durant, voices.yahoo.com
June 12th 2008
I have put a lot of myself out there lately from my forgotten secrets to my deepest fears. I’m too old to start over but too young to forget. Like so many women– no… like so many people… I’m a little bit of everything… so for those of you who are listening (and those of us who are “kicking ass and taking names,” enjoy the ride!
The curious can find anything and everything! I often wonder why it is so much easier for others to to get information than it is for me to get about myself!
I’m a digger. To be clear, that is “digger.” I never use the “N” word, and I’m way too proud to marry for money.
Yes, I am a digger. I love information. I love to find it, I love to collect it, but most of all, I love to use it.
I love to dissect it, analyze it, formulate new questions, and ponder the answers. I love the journey of natural inquiry… never knowing where my racing mind will take me; often surprised surprised by the answer; but always, always, intrigued by the things I encounter along the way.
So I set out to find the answer to one question, and instead I find myself asking a million more. It keeps me up at night, and allows me to avoid the day. My life is not unexamined, and my thought patterns may be far from typical, but the things I have learned along the way are by far the most intriguing and most unique. I am not afraid to ask questions, nor am I afraid that I don’t have all the answers. But as a digger, I do know that it is the path least taken: the creative, atypical mind that is riddled with creativity, tangential thoughts and questions that often deliver the most interesting answers. But sometimes, it is the answers that deliver us to the most interesting questions.
We often think that questions drive the inquiry– at least that’s what they tell us in school. To use the “Scientific Method.” And of course, to never, ever color outside the lines! But aren’t the best discoveries the ones we weren’t searching for? The unexpected gift… the non-occasion.
The beauty is in the every day. The challenge is in the unexpected. Call me crazy if you like (and many have) but I can assure you that there will come a day when all of that R.A.M. (Random Access Memory) will come in handy. I am definitely asking the right questions… and maybe one day you will too.
Finding my voice has allowed me to appreciate the silence. The hours between dusk and dawn where the rest of the world sleeps and I dig. I dig and I write. I fill the lonely hours with my innermost thoughts and my very best friend. So as the rest of the world sleeps soundly surrounded by loved ones in a sanctuary they call home, I fill myself with books, journals and information. Lots and lots of information.
Who’d a thunk it? That loneliness can become a family in it’s own right? It is always there and it is always familiar. Who would have thought that solitude could become our greatest companion and that strangers would be our very best friends.
I miss New York. I miss Dr. Stu. I miss Jefferey and I miss Todd. I miss my wild, brilliant friends plagued by curiosity, insomnia, and creativity. Hey boys– guess what? I’m coming home!
Let’s go to Hot and Crusty at 3 a.m. when everything really is, yes, “hot and crusty!” Lets go the internet cafe across from the Hello Kitty store and wake up old friends that actually dare to sleep when it is dark out??? WAKE-UP TODD! I’ve been calling you for hours! I have a joke to I want to tell you!
New York, New York. The “City” that never sleeps? Is it the that sleeps or the people in it? I’m not really sure…
Maybe it is not the city at all! In fact, I don’t think it was ever really about the city. I think it is more about the anonymity. Someplace you can be yourself, and never worry about being judged by your in-bred hillbilly neighbors who are, in all honesty, much more focused on raising hell then raising children… To them, I am “strange.” I am “weird.” I am “Italian.” or “Jewish” or “something!” because I talk really, really, (really) fast!
YOU’RE ALL WRONG!!! I AM FROM NEW YORK!
So while you sleep, I dig. I learn , I question, and I write. But I do it alone, and I’m starting not to like it so much.
So for all of you out there who are insomniacs: “writers,” “consultants,” “perpetually un and underemployed yet overqualified” computer geeks — please enjoy the video blog I posted below.
I chose a few songs that have kept me company at night.
Just loud enough to drown out the drunk couple outside my window having yet another domestic dispute, but low enough so that the neighbors downstairs won’t complain. Hopefully, you will remember some of those infamous eighty’s songs– you know, the one that have kept me dancing in the living room into the wee hours of the morning. And if you are paying, you just might be able to learn a little something about my favorite word!
You’ll find all of my favorites in one place. So enjoy the trip my friends, it’s getting early for some, but late for others, and I’ve got some shit to do before the world wakes up. To quote John Cougar (or is it Melloncamp?) I Ain’t Even Done With The Night!
DESCRIPTION: Everything from my favorite word to my favorite website. There’s something in there for pretty much every mood– songs to make you cry, videos to make you laugh. Political ads that make you sick and some that will give you chills– but at least they make you feel!!! Finding my voice, and hearing those of strangers has given me the strength I needed to move on. So for so many of you who have contacted me lately, via the web, via your cell phone, or even by way of a nasty website– stand tall and stand close because much like fear, courage also rubs off on you somehow when you are surrounded by the right people. So a big shout out, and a sincere word of thanks to all of you who have helped to find my voice once again and the courage to say whatever is on my mind… SAY IT LOUD, SAY IT PROUD… JUST SAY IT! (Oh yeah, and F.U.R.B.!)
I will not be ignored and I will not be forgotten. But guess what, Here Comes the Sun. I made it through night and now it’s time to go, because that was SO yesterday! Thanks-For-Giving!